Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The 20th is my son's birthday, where I celebrate him and his wonderful little life. The 23rd marks Placement Day, where I ponder adoption and the impact it has had on my life.
Placing a child for adoption is hard. I can't even express it. Any birthmother will know what I mean, and any parent will have some grasp of what I'm saying. Even being prepared for it only helps a little. But there is a deep, heartbreaking anguish that comes from parting with a child in this way.
Despite those emotions, however, I have fond memories of placement day. I am glad that I focused on it in a positive way, so that as the pain and grief faded, the joy could shine through the memories. I remember exchanging gifts, and feeling inadequate despite the fact that I was giving them a baby. I remember changing his diaper for the last time, despite Joe's offer to do it. I remember feeling stubborn and clingy for keeping some of the clothes he had worn that I liked best, but sending him in the cutest outfit that I had chosen for him. But I remember in particular the LOVE that I felt. I knew with all my heart that Jen and Joe loved Ian, and that they loved me. I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me, and that He was proud of me for being strong and moving forward with my life.
I guess placement day is hard for me this year, not because of the placement, but because of the emotions. A relationship that I cherished ended last week, and so many of the emotions that are flooding through me ring back to placement. This week I have again experienced emotions of inadequacy. I have felt clingy and stubborn. I have felt a desperate, almost overwhelming sense of loss. But...I have also felt the wonderful and overpowering love from my family, my friends, and my Heavenly Father. I know that I'm loved, and I know that He is proud of me for standing strong and moving forward once again.
Placing my son for adoption has become such a wonderful blessing in my life. I love him, I love his family, I love the relationship that I have with them, and I love that I am able to help others who are now experiencing the same things that I did. So, even though it gets hard sometimes, life does go on, and I can continually seek to move forward and look for the better things to come.