From a conversation yesterday

I think adoption suffers the worst bad rep from people--adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents--from closed adoptions. Not all of them, of course. But I think some of the worst adoption experiences out there come from closed adoptions, and I think we're still paying for them.

I talk about adoption a lot. Last night, I talked to a man whose 15-year-old daughter is pregnant. She doesn't want to consider adoption because her aunt placed a baby [in a closed adoption] and has regretted it her whole life. Naturally, she has been swaying her niece against placing, for that reason.

That mentality frustrates me. Does the aunt understand why she has regretted her choice? Is it because it was the wrong decision? Or was it because she has dealt with all those unanswered questions ever since? Was it because she should have kept her baby? Or was it grief that she was never able to process?

Adoption is an individual experience. Each person goes through an adoption experience in a unique and different way. But I have met a lot of birth moms over the last year and more, and I can tell you--almost invariably, the birthmothers from open adoptions are more complete, better healed, and more at peace with their decision.

Adoption doesn't have to be agonizing. It doesn't have to be horrible. It doesn't have to be a terrible sacrifice. There is grief, there is pain. But there is also a sweet, wonderful joy. There is the peace and satisfaction, knowing that we have made the right decision--the best decision for that sweet baby.

Pieces of who I am

Adoption is part of who I am. It is part of my self-identity, part of how I define myself. My name is Valerie. I'm a writer. I'm a black belt. I used to be a stage manager. And I'm a birthmom.

Each of those parts has its own complications. For instance, I have trouble talking about being a writer, especially admitting that I write science fiction and fantasy. I have a long-standing judgment (maybe I should work on this!) against people who claim to be writers. Maybe it was just how I grew up. At least half of my friends in junior high and high school claimed to be writers. They had stories in their minds, sure. But IF they managed to get them onto paper--which was rare of itself--the writing was usually crap. In the adult world, things are rarely any different. There are lots of people who have stories in their minds. But that doesn't make them writers. It's that class of wannabes that I don't want to join, especially in the mind of someone I respect. So usually I just don't say that I'm a writer at all. I have no more visible claims than the pretenders--I certainly haven't been published. In the eye of the world, I am no different. So I bluster.

Being a black belt is an interesting conundrum. If you look at me, you don't see a black belt. I'm not quite 5'3", I'm "cuddly" as my friends like to say. Of course, in the sparring ring that plays to my advantage, because my opponents never fail to underestimate me. However, when I say to a friend or a coworker or a church member, "I'm a black belt" they have one of a couple of responses. Either they bluster and say, "I could take you" or "show me your moves!". Or, if they're a martial arts nerd, they start talking about martial arts like they know something, trying to prove themselves. Or they get intimidated (in my case, this is rare). Or they simply say, "Wow, that's cool" and walk away dismissively. Or they say "Wow, that's cool" and actually do think it's cool. Sometimes, rather than deal with these reactions, I just don't mention that I'm a black belt. I'm starting to talk about it more now that I'm teaching and working toward my second degree, but sometimes it's still easier just to omit that part of me in casual conversation.

Talking about being a stage manager is hard because I have to explain why I don't do it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love the theatre. I majored in Theatre Management for my bachelor's degree. I have never felt the full throes of academic-mental-emotional passion as I have done in the theatre. But I could not live the life I want for myself while doing theatre. I couldn't be who I want to be. So I stopped looking for theatre jobs, and settled down in a 9-5 job that I tolerate. Kind of hard to explain. So sometimes I don't.


Being a birthmom, though, that's probably the hardest one of all. I don't ever bring it up in casual conversation, not with people that I'm going to see again. I mean, I've spoken at conferences, but that's different. Those aren't people I interact with on any other stratum. Those are friends of adoption. The average person, though, that's not someone I want to talk with about adoption. I'm just not that open with it. Because there is judgment attached to it, especially in a religious setting. I honestly had a friend/ward member tell me that he was disappointed by me, to find out this part of my past. Disappointed. I was disappointed in him, disappointed by his lack of understanding.

It's hard to talk about adoption for a myriad of reasons. First of all is that judgment. In my religion, you DO NOT have sex outside of marriage. So to say, "I placed a child for adoption" is saying, "I broke the number 2 rule (after murder) that you do not break". Secondly is the misconceptions that people have regarding adoption. You should read Tamra's post over at United by Love. It's perfect--because those are the misconceptions that I face every time I talk to the uneducated about adoption. Sheesh, sometimes I get those comments from adoptive couples. They are emotionally taxing to deal with. Thirdly, it's hard to talk about adoption because I don't want the people I tell to look at me differently afterward. I don't want to change in their eyes. I don't want to be Valerie, the girl who placed a kid for adoption. I just want to be Valerie. There's a time and a place for me to be Valerie the birthmom, just like I'm sometimes Valerie the writer or Valerie the black belt. But they are all ME. And when I tell someone about placing a child for adoption, I always worry that the Valerie they see will change, twist into something that I am not. Being a birthmom is just one part of who I am. In the end, I am simply me.

Open Adoption Roundtable #9

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You can find out more over at Production, Not Reproduction. The new prompt is in response to a criticism of open adoption. "That direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the best idea. Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families--or not--on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn't make such an important and personal decision for them." What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?


I'm taking a [brief] break from NaNoWriMo. I haven't yet my [self appointed] daily quota, so I will need to be brief.

In response to questions like this, I have to first say, we always do what is best for the child. We--all of us--adoptive parents and birth parents alike. I will always always always follow the lead of his PARENTS where my son's well-being is concerned.

But with regards to this question, I'd like to propose that birth parents stop getting treated like invaders in the life of their birth-children. While we are not the child's PARENT, we are nevertheless invested in them, their family, their success, and their happiness.

Look at it like this: say that I am a child. I have an aunt who is really close to my family. Maybe she has a really great relationship with my parents. This means that she's going to be a part of my life from a very young age. At first, I'm not really going to have a choice whether she's in my life--and I'm probably not going to care. However, it's still my choice whether to have a relationship with her. I still get to decide--whether consciously or un--whether I like her or not. My parents may dictate how often I see her as I grow up, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go out of my way to talk to her or bond with her. It's my choice. And as I get older, the choice becomes more and more my own. If I like her and I want to talk to her, I will. If I don't, I won't. And that relationship may change and flux over time--maybe when I'm 10 I couldn't care less about my crazy aunt, but when I'm 17 suddenly she seems really cool and I want to talk to her every week. Regardless--it's always up to me.

Of course we don't FORCE the child to have a relationship with his birth family. But we are FAMILY nonetheless. There is a genetic as well as an emotional bond. But if that bond isn't initiated by the adult in the relationship, it may never happen. A child won't see the value of knowing his birth family. A child won't instinctively know that he would be happier growing up with them in his life. It's up to the adults--his parents and his birth parents--to guide him until he is ready to determine those things for himself.

And speaking for myself, my son's parents have told me that they believe A) that he is more well-balanced and self aware because he knows he is adopted and B) that he is more secure in his self-identity because he can see my face and hear me tell him that I love him. That's the beauty of open adoption--none of us are left with questions. We take each day, each month, and each year at a time, always keeping the child's best interest at the forefront of our relationships.

Adoption Walk This Saturday!

It's National Adoption Month, and if you happen to be in the Salt Lake area this Saturday, you should go to Liberty Park and walk for adoption! Here's all the info:




The Adoption ‘Walk with Me’ is intended to gather people together who have been touched by adoption. We want to help raise awareness of the positive outcomes of adoption in our community.

We will meet at the Rice pavilion in Liberty Park and start with a welcome/ introduction to the event. Next will follow the walk which will begin at the pavilion and follow the paved circular path around the park (1.7 miles) After the walk we will gather again at the pavilion and award prizes and conduct a closing to the event.

9:30 registration/ mingle
10:00 walk
11:30 prizes awarded
12:00 closing/ event finish

Make sure you wear plenty of orange! Orange is our theme color for the Adoption Walk With Me. Orange is cheery, uplifting and boisterous. It is also made from mixing two primary colors together...red and yellow. Hmmm... kind of like adoption!

'Orange' you glad for adoption?!



If you have any further questions, please email Alison.

Regional conference experiences

I wrote a guest blog about the regional conference for United by Love, and I'll post it below. You're probably already familiar with some it, but I'm not writing it all again. =P

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I'm excited to share a few of my experiences at the FSA Northeast Regional Conference in Lebanon, Pennsylvania. It was so interesting! I'm actually from Utah, but my birth-son and his parents live in Boston, and it's really their fault that I got to go out for the conference. But it certainly wasn't a free ride--I was more than a little surprised when they (the regional committee) asked me to be their keynote speaker for the conference, as well as presenting two breakout sessions. It was very humbling, and I'm grateful that I was given the opportunity.
The conference began Friday. We actually started out in Hershey, Pennsylvania, for a tour of the Hershey factory and then some chocolate taste-testing. The tour was designed for small kidlets, but it was still amusing. This was the first time that I've seen my son in over a year. You can imagine that living 2000 miles apart cuts down on visits. So it was fun to tour Hershey hand-in-hand.

That evening was the keynote address. I was proceeded by a beautiful musical number by a local adoptive couple. I'm going to see if they have a website, and then I'll see if it can get posted here, because the song they sang about their son's birthmother was incredibly touching.
My keynote address was based on the scripture 1 Corinthians 2:9-11. The main point which I drew from this scripture was that we never know what God has in store for us. Ever heard the saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." But I also tried to impress upon my audience the perils of adversity as well as the power of unity within the adoption triad. That evening was supposed to be the most spiritual portion of the conference, while the remainder of the sessions were dealing with the more technical issues. You'll have to ask any of the attendees if it was any good. =P

There was a little social/dessert afterward where I first began talking to some of the attendees (mostly adoptive parents). I had been forewarned that things would be different than in Utah--but I didn't realize how this mentality really pervaded these people. Over and over as I talked about my experiences or my thoughts, I heard some variation of "Well, it's different out in Utah."

Furthermore, I was treated as an oddity, a rarity. These adoptive couples honestly didn't expect birth parents to be well-balanced, mature, sane individuals. So the fact that I displayed those attributes (I think!) meant that I was an odd one out, certainly not the norm.

As we moved in Saturday's sessions, I tried to--lovingly and respectfully--convince them otherwise. It helped SO MUCH that there were other birth parents present! There were only a few, but it was great to have them add their agreement to the fact that the majority of birthmoms are NORMAL PEOPLE, who aren't going to come in the night and try to steal the baby away wearing a ski mask. (We almost brought a ski mask for a demonstration, but decided against it.)

The first session, I co-presented with my son's parents, Joe and Jen. It was called, "Communication: The Secret to a Successful Open Adoption." I actually feel like this was the most important session that I was involved in. We played 'Mythbusters' and talked through common adoption myths that adoptive couples go through. I think it was incredibly powerful to have all three of us up there, together, laughing, agreeing, and talking about our own experiences. My second session was by myself, "What Birth Parents Wish Adoptive Couples Knew", and it was just a rehash of the session from the national conference. Still successful, and I hope it was helpful to those who attended.

What I really gained from this experience (besides hugging my son lots and lots) was the knowledge that there's still a lot of work to be done in the adoption world. There's still a lot of talking and convincing and really showing that we need to do. Those of us who HAVE found success and joy from open adoptions really need to keep talking about it, keep showing other people what has worked and how wonderful it is. Not every adoption is perfect, but not every relationship is perfect either, and that's what this really is--we, adoptive parents and birth parents, have a relationship. And in some cases, that relationship is more like an obligation that you feel like you have to fulfill. But in the best circumstances, it's a real relationship, a real frienship, and a real source of joy. This is a relationship worth having! And I hope that it's something also worth sharing.

One down, two to go

Tonight I gave a keynote address. It went by far more quickly than I had imagined. It felt kind of fluffy to me, like it didn't really have any meat in it. I let myself get emotional, which always is a struggle, of course. Don't get me wrong, it was a decent talk. I just don't feel like I have a connection yet. Tonight was the sugar. Tomorrow we'll get to the spice.

On a side note...Ian is adorable. Just sayin'.

More to come.

Hel-looo Pennsylvania!

Travel log:

Woke 6:30am, thought about going running as planned, hit snooze button, slept again.
Woke 6:55am, showered, dressed, finished packing.
Departed house 7:35am, best mom EVER drove me to SLC Int'l Airport. Got thru security w/o a hitch, waited. (plane supposed to leave at 9:41am)
Boarded plane 9:32am
Plane takeoff 9:55am
Slept for the first hour or so
Woke up when the guy next to me tried to apply lotion, but in the plane, it kind of exploded everywhere. Gave him my napkins and helped him clean up. Then talked to him for 10min.
Worked on my keynote address for an hour.
Finished a scene in my novel.
Slept again.
Landed 4:00pm EST/2:00pm MST.
Waited. (really had to pee, too!)
Disembarked--and couldn't find a bathroom! The whole freaking airport's being remodeled. Finally found one by the baggage claim, and it was way nasty.
Took the shuttle to Hertz, 4:25pm
Rented a car for the first time, 4:40pm. It was supposed to be a Hyundai, but it turned out to be a Mazda 6. Pretty pleased with that one.
Tried to get to the Reading Terminal Market, 5:00pm. Incidentally, I would advise against trying to navigate downtown Philadelphia at rush hour. After being muy frustrated, I gave up and headed out. (Have to admit that I have mad driving skills that after getting lost trying to find Vine St, I was still able to get myself back onto I-76 and headed in the right direction.)
Got stuck in traffic behind a wreck 5:30pm
Stopped for food, 7:00pm. I had eaten breakfast at 7:00am MST, drank some Fresca and ate a biscotti cookie on the plane...and that's it. I debated seriously about just waiting til Lebanon, but couldn't stand it anymore, so I stopped. Had a roast beef gyro at Arby's--decent, too.
Arrived at hotel, 8:00pm.
Started playing on the internet, 8:25pm.
And here I sit.


Tomorrow morning I'll be working on/finalizing all my presentations. In the afternoon we're going to Hershey for a taste-testing tour/trick-or-treating, where I get to see Ian for the first time in over a year. Then tomorrow evening is my keynote address. Eeek!