Wednesday, February 3, 2010

some vague thoughts about moving forward

This month, my son will turn 4 years old.

It astounds me how time flies. I'm not sure I'm old enough for this. And yet I feel so very old at times.

Today I was chatting with my missionary-brother on Facebook (I LOVE that, by the way. Not sure it's actually allowed, but whatev!). And he was looking at some old pictures of Ian and saying how big he was, and I was like, "Those pics are over a year old. Want to see some from October?" I emailed him a couple of pics and he was amazed with how big Ian has gotten. Tell me about it!

Every now and then I think back to four years ago. It's not usually deep contemplation, but something will happen that makes me think about it. Like, right after black belt testing, all I wanted was ice cream, so Grady took me to the store and told me to pick whatever I wanted. And I picked out this one flavor that I really enjoy. The first time I had it was when Jen and Joe brought it to me in the hospital the day Ian was born. It's been a favorite of mine ever since.

Hospitals and childbirth in general take me back, as you might imagine. A friend of mine recently had a baby, and I went to visit them in the hospital. We talked about her labor and delivery. And I thought about mine.

I wonder sometimes if those memories will change or fade once I have more children. Will I always think of having Ian once I've also had ________ and _________ ? I think so. I don't think it will be quite as strong, or exclusive. But I bet mothers always remember, in some fashion, the bearing and delivery of their children, each one. Because each child, each experience, is different. Each one is significant. Each one is special.

As I move forward with my life, I want to be very careful to maintain Ian's very special place in my life. Other things are important, to be sure. As I have my own family, my children will certainly take precedence in my day-to-day thoughts and actions, because they will be my primary care and occupation. But Ian will always be important to me. Ian will always be my son, my birthson. I will always care about him and pray for him. I just want to make sure that he always knows that.

I want to be the best birthmom I can be. Normally I take it for granted, being a birthmom. But there is a special effort involved at times, and I'm just discovering how important it can be.


  1. 18 years and 2 more babies and hospitals and new babies still take me back to when I had my daughter. My step daughter is having a girl soon and I hope that I can hold it together.

  2. I'm sure that Ian will always stay with you, and on your mind, even once you have other children. While they might keep you busy, I think he'll still be on your heart.

  3. Came across your blog and love it! Adoption is beautiful!

  4. I'm not sure if I've introduced myself, but I am birthmom to my 11 year old, Colin. I now parent my 2 year old son, and I can tell you my first son is still on my mind daily. Parenting has made me think about my firstborn even more. Not in a painful way, but I now fully understand the mama bear feelings better than I did when I placed. I understand better what I wanted him to have, that I wasn't ready to provide. The experience of placing has been integrated into my life in a healthy way; it's part of everything I am, but it's not my primary focus, kwim?
    The most awesome part of being a birthmom in open adoption? It's talking to my second son about his big brother. My toddler is crazy about his big brother; and my birthson is crazy about his little brother.
    I know exactly where you are, and you are right on target. It's true that adoption is a journey.