Monday, March 15, 2010

It's my blog, I can vent if I want to

If this blog offends anybody, I apologize, but not that much. I'm entitled to my own opinion, right? You're welcome to share yours in the comments if you feel so inclined.

Today I'd like to briefly discuss Birth Mother's Day. I heard of this for the first time last year. It's celebrated the day before Mother's Day, as the same equivalent for birth mothers. Last year I knew a bunch of people who participated in a walk down in Provo to mark Birth Mother's Day. I've met a fair number of adoptive parents who really support and push this day, who encourage others to send cards and gifts to their birth mothers to mark this day in particular.

I don't like Birth Mother's Day.

On the one hand, I appreciate the efforts of adoptive parents who want to celebrate their birth mothers. I love that their birth mothers are prominent in their thoughts and hearts, and that they feel like we deserve our very own day to celebrate. However, by celebrating Birth Mother's Day the day before Mother's Day, by encouraging adoptive parents to celebrate this day and make a special event out of this day, I personally feel excluded from Mother's Day.

Now, I recognize that I am not Ian's parent, that I am not raising him, that I made the choice to place him with his parents. I acknowledge in full Jen's place as his mother. But I feel that this does not diminsh my own sense of motherhood. On Mother's Day, I don't make a big deal of things. But I still honor Ian in my heart. I still celebrate my own motherhood, and my decision to place him for adoption.

I don't need my own day. I don't need to be separate. I don't want to be separate. I don't want to feel like I'm less of a mother because I chose to place him for adoption, because he's not with me. My choices were made for the benefit of my son. I am a mother.

So on Birth Mother's Day, forgive me if I'm not there with you celebrating . I'll see you on Mother's Day.


  1. I'm sorry, the translation of your comment isn't coming through clearly. =(

  2. I can completely understand why you feel that way, and I would not like it much either.

  3. I feel the same way! You put it so much better than I could have. Thank you.

  4. I think your reasons are valid and I highly doubt you are alone in your views.

    As an A-parent, there is one reason why I DO like the day: my scenario is that my daughter's first mom lives in OH, we live in Vancouver, Canada. The agency we used has a b-mom picnic every year and it's a chance for my daughter to see all 3 members of the triad together, enjoying each others' company. Given our limited contact with her first family, it's a chance for us to actually engage with other adoptive/first families.

    But other than that, I don't have an opinion one way or the other. I should note that last year, I took my MIL with me to the picnic. She is a first mom herself and she was amazed to see so many families that have managed to blend. I think it helped her to accept the openness we are trying to maintain, which is a foreign concept for her.

  5. Great point! I do not celebrate birthmother's day either. We send our daughter's birthmom a card on Mother's day. It doesn't say "mom" but it does acknowledge that this is a day, like many throughout the year, that we think of her and celebrate her. Maybe some adoptive moms are threatened by the thought of having to "share" mother's day with another mother. But I am not. She is her mother...and so am I. So happy mother's day, to you! Even if I am a week late in wishing it. :)